Team Taintastic!
The full team at Matt's wedding. Yes.. Matt actually got married
Our team is made up of numerous middle aged, Bay Area guys. Marty is the swimmer of the team and is infamous for the San Dimas transition area “incident.” He was also forced to store the team kayak against his will for years. Matt is the team leader. At least whenever they call team captains to get maps, he jumps up and races over. Colby is the mountain bike expert and rarely wears proper headgear. He’s also the most likely to have bike problems on race day. Chris is the downhill demon, at least until his legs cramp up. He is also typically the one with a map and compass navigating the course. We've added on over the years and the team just gets stronger (or older and more injured) every season.
A typical race for Taintastic! – Matt gets the team on site 3 hours early and is first in line to get the map. Marty flips his kayak. Colby yells at Matt. Chris runs really fast down a hill. Colby gets a flat tire. Chris yells at Matt. Marty falls off his bike. Chris gets a leg cramp. Colby bombs down a non-existent trail without a helmet. We meet at the finish and enjoy a celebratory beer.
A typical race for Taintastic! – Matt gets the team on site 3 hours early and is first in line to get the map. Marty flips his kayak. Colby yells at Matt. Chris runs really fast down a hill. Colby gets a flat tire. Chris yells at Matt. Marty falls off his bike. Chris gets a leg cramp. Colby bombs down a non-existent trail without a helmet. We meet at the finish and enjoy a celebratory beer.
Chris Cramp aka Freedogg, CobraQuad, Maybe I'll Race and Maybe Not
Chris is the team navigator who knows where we need to go but rarely how to get there. His speed in running down steep ravines is unparalleled and he has an uncanny knack for detecting photographers in the wilderness. Chris spends most his time thinking up team names and figuring out the latest he can leave and still make the start of the race.
Chris has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2003 Balance Bar San Dimas Night Race (2nd overall team name), 2005 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2008 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Red Tail (Livermore) Sprint (1st overall) and 2010 San Francisco Day and Night Challenge 3 Hour (3rd overall).
Chris has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2003 Balance Bar San Dimas Night Race (2nd overall team name), 2005 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2008 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Red Tail (Livermore) Sprint (1st overall) and 2010 San Francisco Day and Night Challenge 3 Hour (3rd overall).
Team Matt aka The Lone SheeDog, eHarmatty.com, The Bloodied Warrior or Dammit
Matt is one of the founding members of the TAINTASTIC team. He has been racing since 2002 and is on a first name basis with the race director for every series we have competed. He often carries the map case and has nearly strangled himself on occasion. Matt has been known to bring experimental food and drink supplements to try during the race. He also keeps the team on time to every event by arriving 3-5 hours before the start.
Matt has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2005 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2008 Big Blue HMB Sprint (2nd overall), 2008 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 NorCal Quicksilver AR (3rd overall) and 2010 San Francisco Day & Night Challenge 3 Hour (3rd overall) and 2010 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall).
Matt has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2005 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2008 Big Blue HMB Sprint (2nd overall), 2008 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2010 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (1st overall), 2010 NorCal Quicksilver AR (3rd overall) and 2010 San Francisco Day & Night Challenge 3 Hour (3rd overall) and 2010 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall).
Marty the Fish aka Strawberry, Guy in the Water, Homemade GU
Marty is notorious for poison oak in very, very bad places. Marty is best known for flipping his kayak, flipping his river tube, crashing his bike and, of course, the transition area "incident" in San Dimas. He also makes his own GU and helped store the team kayak for 3 seasons against his will.
Marty has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2007 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2008 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2009 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (2nd overall), 2009 Urban Dare SF (1st overall) and 2010 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall).
Marty has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2007 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2008 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2009 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (2nd overall), 2009 Urban Dare SF (1st overall) and 2010 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall).
Helmetless Colby aka The Poacher, Mario Chalmbers, or Teen Wolf
Colby is the latest addition to the team and is the reigning moun(t)ain bike king. He does not require a helmet or even a path. Sadly, the rest of the team needs both and can barely keep up. The only way to slow him down it to repeatedly poke holes in his tires during races. Colby has also been known to challenge race staff to wagers during events.
Colby has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2007 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2008 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (2nd overall), 2009 Urban Dare SF (1st overall), 2010 Norcal Quicksilver AR (3rd overall) and 2010 Big Blue Red Tail (Livermore) Sprint (1st overall).
Colby has helped TAINTASTIC win the 2007 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (3rd overall), 2008 Big Blue Tahoe Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue HMB Sprint (1st overall), 2009 Big Blue Folsom Sprint (2nd overall), 2009 Urban Dare SF (1st overall), 2010 Norcal Quicksilver AR (3rd overall) and 2010 Big Blue Red Tail (Livermore) Sprint (1st overall).
Just John aka Ringer, Missing Mustache, Underwear Double-Unders
John first joined the team in 2011 for the San Francisco Oyster stepping in for Colby who was away for business. We had heard stories of lore and witchcraft about John's winning Tough Mudders and biking up 75% grades while saving puppies, so we were excited to have him wear the Taint jersey. Sure enough, John has challenged Colby's bike supremacy on the team by biking on flat tires faster than most people can drive a car and has been spotted giving Marty a piggyback ride in a boot-camp challenge. He can also whip up a mean bowl of chili.
John has helped Taintastic! win the 2011 Oyster race and take 3rd overall in the 2012 Oyster and most recently crushed some biking in the Wild Canyon Games in 2013 and 2014 to help Taintastic! take 2nd in division (4th overall) in 2013 and 2nd overall in 2014.
John has helped Taintastic! win the 2011 Oyster race and take 3rd overall in the 2012 Oyster and most recently crushed some biking in the Wild Canyon Games in 2013 and 2014 to help Taintastic! take 2nd in division (4th overall) in 2013 and 2nd overall in 2014.
Jim aka Sloppy; Wax Museum; The Toe
Jim got his start on Taintastic! with phone support help in a couple of races. However, he was responsible for the infamous Wax Museum Assault of 2011 and was thereafter demoted from phone support to running with the team. Jim is a fast runner and stays calm under pressure all while looking funky fresh by wearing a hat and headband at the same time. While most racers have a weakness, it seemed that Jim did not.... until the Great Toe Injury. If the toe injury can be defeated, good things are in store for Jim. Maybe the Taints, too.
Jim has helped Taintastic! go podium in the 2012 street scramble and take first place in the 2013 and 2014 San Francisco Challenge Nation race.
Jim got his start on Taintastic! with phone support help in a couple of races. However, he was responsible for the infamous Wax Museum Assault of 2011 and was thereafter demoted from phone support to running with the team. Jim is a fast runner and stays calm under pressure all while looking funky fresh by wearing a hat and headband at the same time. While most racers have a weakness, it seemed that Jim did not.... until the Great Toe Injury. If the toe injury can be defeated, good things are in store for Jim. Maybe the Taints, too.
Jim has helped Taintastic! go podium in the 2012 street scramble and take first place in the 2013 and 2014 San Francisco Challenge Nation race.
Doug aka Hold Please, Doug E Fresh
Doug is one of the newest Taintastic! racers and already has a couple of wins under his belt. Doug works for Cliffbar and gets upset when the team uses GU products, so Colby flaunts GU products in front of Doug to get him riled up and ready to race. Marty has concocted a not-so-secret a plan to
change our team name by asking Doug to get us some Cliffbar sponsorship, but we're still holding out for that Shake Weight sponsorship. When Doug is not dominating rhabdomyolosis and giving dialysis the middle finger, he's running fast and mastering public transportation for Taintastic! He's probably getting suspicious at this point that Taintaistic! might be using him only for his wife's strong phone support skills.
Doug has helped Taintastic! win the Urban Dare in 2012 and the Xplore race in 2013
Doug is one of the newest Taintastic! racers and already has a couple of wins under his belt. Doug works for Cliffbar and gets upset when the team uses GU products, so Colby flaunts GU products in front of Doug to get him riled up and ready to race. Marty has concocted a not-so-secret a plan to
change our team name by asking Doug to get us some Cliffbar sponsorship, but we're still holding out for that Shake Weight sponsorship. When Doug is not dominating rhabdomyolosis and giving dialysis the middle finger, he's running fast and mastering public transportation for Taintastic! He's probably getting suspicious at this point that Taintaistic! might be using him only for his wife's strong phone support skills.
Doug has helped Taintastic! win the Urban Dare in 2012 and the Xplore race in 2013
Ken, aka Women's Jeans, Half Price, Hot Pocket
Ken is another bike specialist that has joined (i.e. filled in for a couple of races) the squad, which is strange since we don't do any bike races. Apparently Taintastic! has become a magnet for spandex-clad
men. Super. Anyway, Ken boasts the team's highest strength to weight ratio, has never lost a spin class. He is the only team member (so far) to have spent a full minute nuzzling Marty's crotch with his face in the middle of a race. Coincidently, he also makes occasional appearances on Team Dropping SAC. Also, he really hates when his friends wear yellow sweaters. Ken can show up to a race without having run for 6 months and still run sub 7 miles. He typically can't walk for 2 weeks afterwards.
Ken helped win 3 straight Urban Dares in Sacramento, and was part of Taintastic's 2013 Oyster championship team
Ken is another bike specialist that has joined (i.e. filled in for a couple of races) the squad, which is strange since we don't do any bike races. Apparently Taintastic! has become a magnet for spandex-clad
men. Super. Anyway, Ken boasts the team's highest strength to weight ratio, has never lost a spin class. He is the only team member (so far) to have spent a full minute nuzzling Marty's crotch with his face in the middle of a race. Coincidently, he also makes occasional appearances on Team Dropping SAC. Also, he really hates when his friends wear yellow sweaters. Ken can show up to a race without having run for 6 months and still run sub 7 miles. He typically can't walk for 2 weeks afterwards.
Ken helped win 3 straight Urban Dares in Sacramento, and was part of Taintastic's 2013 Oyster championship team
